Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Who would have thought?

Have you ever remember when you were still a kid you said, "I want to grow up!"? I always said that to myself, to everyone "I want to grow up!". But when you're growing up have you regretted the things happened at some point of your life? Have you ever wished you could be that careless kid once again? I know each one of us have that. Being a child, all we ever wanted is to play, have fun and if ever we have problems it's just a little kid's problem. A problem of toys or a small problem that can easily be solved. Our happiness is just a small thing. A pain that won't really hurt totally because that pain kid's experience can be easily healed. Have you ever remember when how painful it is you got scarce somewhere in your body.

Who would have thought that as we grow up, our problems, challenges, trials in life is getting harder. As you grow, you made some choices that end up to become so complicated. As your life become serious, you become as well a serious person which making you aware of the decisions your going to decide. You get confused and the people around you have a big influence in your life but it depends on how you handle things right. As you wake up every morning, you're always thinking of the problems you were facing. The morning sunshine doesn't affect your bad mood. What makes you not in a good mood is thinking the problems you have. And now you wish that you want to be back in your childhood years.

Who would have thought that the pains you're facing right now, you won't ever forget it the rest of your entire life because that pain leaves wound, scarce in your heart. This pain you ever feel is the most hurtful thing. Compared leaving a scarce in your childhood years easily forgotten. Who would have thought you're struggling so hard right time to overcome all of it.

How I wish I can go back where I was still a kid but I'm not going back but I'm going and going to the future, becoming an adult. Despite I have these challenges in my life still I'm grateful I experienced all these things because if I haven't yet pass these tests I won't ever know where I am right now and who I will become. And of course being now aware of making choices in my life. Slowly growing up, I slowly as well matured.

Someone I love before and will NEVER be Again!

Who would have thought I would experienced how to be betrayed by someone you loved, you trusted and gave all your support? I thought it will never happen to me it's just a fantasy. All at once, I fell inlove with this guy and thought he's the right one for me. We think all of our future together what will happen to us together building our own family, getting married in the temple but those times we shared together were all gone. I truly love him and even a single moment I never tried to hurt his feelings. He's the first guy I intentionally made a poem heartily. We just knew each other for a short time yet I already love him. I accepted who he really is and all his pasts. I didn't even judge him. I did my best to comfort him and my heart and mind is eye single to him. I know promises are made to be broken but when we made both promises I told myself these promises will never be broken. I expected much about our relationship and those times, days, months we talked everyday my love for him is getting stronger and stronger. I thought of myself as a princess. I felt it those days and months we're still in a relationship, those were the happiest moment I ever felt in my entire life. Whatever it may takes, we will hold hands together to face those trials who will become a barriers in our relationship (these were the words we promised to each other). I trusted him with all my heart, loved him so dearly. Never in my mind thinking all the riches, worldly things in this world but the hell I care is what would I feel to him or what would he feel to me.
I started to have a communication with him, we started to get to know each other last year September 28, 2013. All of a sudden, everything in my life was changed. My world was changed and I started to be keeping distance away from my friends. He's all I want, I need and I love. I was blind with the things around me though I know that something isn't right. Months passed by, our love is growing and until we reached to the point of confusing stage. He started of losing interest to me and started of keeping distance away from me. I was thinking all the time what have I done to him? why was he acting like that? Until I found out by myself he's seeing another girl. It really break my heart and for the first time, I cried so hard because of him. It was first time to cry for someone. I made myself ready for the marriage we planned before and be ready to become a wife to him. All those preparations and make myself ready were just a waste of time. Everything turned out from a fairy tale story into a scary, full of sadness and sorrow, painful story. Last December was the month started to changed slowly and slowly. He's slowly keeping distance from me. Since he said that he's going to other country and he's going to contact me as soon as possible but what I expected was the things I didn't expect to happen. In month of December he contacted me I think 3 times. Haven't heard from him that much thus caused me so much pain. He's losing interest to me. We almost broke up that month. I thought losing him, I will never find another man like him. I can described him before was in general almost a perfect man in every girl's dream.

In that silent month not hearing from him, my family especially my father told me what he really felt that, ahhhmmm let's call this guy an alias named "Kenneth", that he found someone else even my friends told me that as well. Even if I felt it too and I found something but I tried to ignore all those spoken words to me. Instead, I continue to listen what I felt for him (LOVE) but because I had this part of mine that when it comes to this kind of situation that bothers me a lot so I went on myself, investigate everything. I was like a detective before because every single detailed I gathered about him the more it hurts. As I continued doing it, slowly and slowly it revealed the truth. I felt like those information I gathered slapped on my face. I knew it will hurt my feelings as well as my family but it gives me courage to pursue what I started because I don't want to become a blinded person who's not aware the things happened in my surroundings. I kept myself updated most especially in the internet. What just I noticed, I got accessed in the internet as well about him. I discovered something on facebook, his all family members unfriend me on facebook except his youngest sister. Before his mom unfriended me, she asked permission to unfriend me. His family were all wonderful and I literally love them all. However, I found out that his sister has recently added a girl and I opened whose that girl. I read the posts of the girl and I found some clues there about Kenneth. I looked out who were our mutual friends and gladly I had accessed in of those mutual friends. Finally, the truth revealed on me. My heart really broke into pieces and made me feel so depressed. For 2 weeks I cried and cried. I even confronted him but he denied. He even said mean things to me. He acted like he's not an lds either. Those hurtful words I didn't mind it because all I want to hear from him was the truth. I even gave him all the proofed I gathered but nothing. He denied everything, he lied to me. What I remembered he said to me before, "I hate liars, dishonest person and a cheater" but he ate it all. I didn't lied, I was always being honest to him and never in my entire life cheated a person. I was hurt so bad.

Though I was so hurt badly, I still stand up so strong. The teachings, scriptures, the people who were there for me gave me strength to press forward in life. The greatest strength I had comes from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Because the strength I gained, I didn't fell and I was able to forgive him just that easy. I let my own happiness sacrifice than being so selfish. And since he has a new girlfriend, I don't want to hurt her feelings because I know how would it feel to get hurt. She's so inlove with him and they're really meant to each other. There's a reason why I can't love him back and he broke my trust to him. What he did to me and the mean words he said to me I did forgive him. I just said to him let's be friends again forgetting all those pasts we had. I hope and pray that he will realize someday that I forgive him already totally. He deserve, both of them deserve to be happy. I know someday, I will find also the right man for me at the right time, right place and by the right authority. I'm grateful that these things happened to me because it makes me strong and have a courage to face harder challenges in life. I may fail but that failure will help me to stand up and press forward in life. I literally love his mom because she's in my side the time I was so down, she comforted me. I never felt any hatred to her son and never in my mind to do revenge as well. Others like the situation I experienced will do hatreds and revenge.

After all these things happened to me, I started to do the right things in my life. Giving me courage and confident to face them all. Finding the right man for me now, I'll be more careful in choosing my eternal companion. This is one of the greatest trial ever that happened in my life. I do have hardships but I know I can overcome it all.

Who would ever thought that I have this desire to serve a mission even before I met this man I want to go on a mission. Mission to marry or mission to serve God? well, both? hehehe Mission to serve God of course. I'm almost done and waiting for this month to get all done. And I'm looking now and writing it all down the qualities that a man should possess in finding my eternal companion.

Because I'm single, I love being single yet I still miss those times when I was in a relationship. :-)
Love you all guys!!!!!


Fretzie Gwapa
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